Finding Happiness Is An Inside Job

Have you ever noticed when people get all crowded together, they begin to behave differently? For instance, in cities as the population density gets really crowded, people’s behaviors change don’t they? You tend to hear more sirens, more fights happen, and there’s more screeching of tires as people race around on tightly packed streets. Downtown city traffic is more of a road race than a quiet, peaceful drive. Which is not to say that there are not still sirens and fights, and screeching tires in the countryside. It’s just that the number of stressful incidents per waking hour is reduced. The amount of pressure on people to “survive” in our survival-oriented world decreases as the population pressure decreases.

Right now, in cities, we’re kind of packed in like herds of Wildebeest who are on their annual migration. If one of them goes over a cliff, the rest of the herd follows suit, because they are packed in so densely. I think it’s time we tried to be a little more like Meerkats, myself, looking cute in smaller collections of 20-30 critters, with all of our little colonies spread out. That way there are more resources available, and the population stress within the colony is reduced. Until then, we have to find other ways of dealing with the issues that occur to us, to our mind and body and heart, as a result of the stresses of day-to-day living.

Population stress is a huge issue for the human animal. We get ourselves into these tightly packed crowds of people, into fast-paced, hectic lives, and then we begin to develop diseases and stress-related illnesses, that result from the crowding and the pace of living. Ill health happens in the countryside, too — don’t get me wrong. It’s just that it happens at a much-reduced rate in those areas. There is some spaciousness there. Space for the body, mind and heart to relax a little. At least the level of stress-disorders is lower, and along with fewer chronic stress issues, there’s a decrease in the many illnesses that occur when a person finds themself distressed.

What are some of the symptoms and illnesses common to distress? You can probably name most of them off the top of your head… sleeplessness, restless sleep, worry, anxiousness, a feeling of helplessness, getting sick frequently with colds and the flu, heart disease, strokes, ulcers, acid reflux, emotional balance issues, mood disorders, unsettled mental health balance… the list goes on. I’ve experienced many of these, and within my family, probably all of them. My immune system was entirely dysfunctional for the first 40-something years of my life. The denser the population got around me, the more anxious I got. Can you say job-related stress? I started popping antacids like they were sugar pills. I drank too much coffee and mainlined job stress, so then I couldn’t sleep at night. If a flu came around during the winter, I caught it. I would be sick two or three times during the winter in an average year, while my calmer friends would maybe get sick once. My emotions were all over the map, without a regular anchor or calm resting place. Meanwhile, my mental health was somewhere south of sadness and heading towards chronic depression.

I’m not sure how to explain it to you, but we do this to ourselves. Even with stressful working conditions, my life didn’t have to be that way. But I had to choose to change the way I was experiencing life before I found that out. My new normal is somewhat nearer to calm, although I’m not quite yet into “happy contentment.” I suppose that’s what I’m aspiring for, is a state of happy contentment. I’ve been thrilled to make it to a relatively calm emotional state. I totally get why they say that “happiness is an inside job.” Life does not dish out a constant stream of happy pills. There are ups and downs, and even sideways movements, in the daily emotional picture. We have to find ways to be resilient with all of that, so we can face reality with a calm perspective and find ways to go along with what comes our way.

I said that my daily life was stressful, but I left out the one place that used to create a sense of calm in me. Even when my life was chaotic, when I went camping or spent some time outdoors, my inner landscape would calm down. All my life, I’ve gone camping, since I was little-little. It’s been a great source of joy –- getting outdoors in nature, and playing in the dirt, going fishing, swimming in rivers and lakes, climbing hills, walking along a river or on the beach near the ocean, lying in a meadow and reading a book –- these are all things that restore me. One of my friends prefers to go stay in a nice AirBnB, preferably somewhere near the wine country. She can be near nature, yet relax in comfort. For her, happiness is to go wine tasting, have a nice dinner at a really incredible restaurant, and go for walks in a vineyard. Everyone has different likes and dislikes, different ways of resourcing themselves, that help bring the calm center back into their life. These may be good for the introverts. You may find that your happy place is when you’re cheering at a road rally, or making a lot of noise at a big concert. It does not have to be a quiet place. My husband restores his energy when he’s in the middle of a big, noisy crowd all having fun. He loves being at STEM events, or family gatherings where there are 13 kids running around and a bunch of people talking all at once. Each person has a unique charging zone; where you resource yourself is where you resource yourself.

What’s important is to find a place where you can relax, where you can feel contented, and feel your “baseline” of emotional comfort. This may not be possible for everyone — people who are living in dangerous situations, or who have experienced trauma, may have difficulty feeling a sense of inner calm or developing emotional comfort inside themselves. When these are part of your life, if it becomes safe to do so, find something that restores your sense of calm and take some time to really soak in that feeling. This is part of resourcing yourself, an important part of taking good care of you, so you can take in what life offers you with some sense of grace.

Why is this important? With happiness being an inside job, the first thing you need to do is to find out what “inner calm” feels like. Why? Well, I have a question for you. How can you expect yourself to feel happy when you can’t feel anything at all, emotionally? For most people, their emotional landscape is so full of clutter – everything from old, unprocessed emotions to the brand new big ones that come in on a daily basis – that they wouldn’t notice happiness.

Happiness is a small, simple feeling. It’s when your mom or your grandma hands you a cookie, as a child, and you can go sit somewhere and enjoy it. Happiness is little and simple, and tends to get lost in the background when there are bigger emotions like worry or anger or fear going on. I have a picture of an old Zen teacher that I love. He’s smiling, with the innocent happiness of a small child. You look at him and think, “There’s no way he’s wealthy enough to be able to afford a house. He’s probably living in a shack by the stream that’s there in the picture. How can he be happy?” While that may be true, and he may not have any money at all, he has discovered the answer to the mystery.

What he found is, happiness is not conditional. It’s not based on “I got the thing I wanted and now I’m happy.” It’s based on peaceful, inner freedom. It’s based on facing reality squarely where it is, and accepting reality just as it is. Then you free yourself to deal with what comes up, in the moment, when reality walks in the door. It’s living without “hope” or “fear” or “worry,” living without a feeling of stress … there is no need for these. They come from looking at the past and feeling scared or sad, or looking at the future and feeling worried or angry. When you are living with life right where it’s at, and you have cleared your emotional processing space, you’ll find that what you are feeling is related to what’s going on right now. As all the stories fall away, you step into alignment with your life. You rediscover mental and emotional balance. Physical health returns, and whether you are living in a crowded, chaotic city environment or out in the country, there’s a sense of calm in your inner world. Instead of the outside world changing you, minute by minute, you begin to have an effect on the world. The gift you give to others is part of the great thing that happens when you find your emotional baseline, and begin living with the outlook that “Happiness is an inside job.”