Walking into a room can be a little intimidating. It doesn’t always bring out our best stuff. When we walk into a room where we don’t know people, where we think we will be judged, we pop right into “judging mind.” The mind that says, “You’re better than I am. Look at those clothes you’re wearing, your stylish haircut. You’re a better person than I am.” Or maybe we seek to make ourselves feel safe by making the other person seem smaller. “Wow, look at you. You don’t have it together. I am a better person than that.”
Tell me if a little of this never runs through your mind? Just a little? Where you tell yourself you are better than someone you’re looking at? Or that they are so much better and more confident than you are, that you couldn’t possibly go up to them and talk to them?
I used to be so shy. I hated walking into a room where I didn’t know anybody. I found it very intimidating. Then I learned from a teacher to look for things that I liked in people. At first, just one thing that I thought looked or seemed good about this person. Their quiet voice would invite me, “Find one thing to like about this person.” OK. They have a very kind and patient face. But look at those clothes they are wearing. They’re from the last century. Which admittedly wasn’t that long ago – it could have been a retro style. However, you get my drift. I was shy about meeting new people, and to protect myself, I became judgy. I suppose this served to help my ego feel a little safer, when I walked into a room filled with unknown people. Rather than looking for friends, I would shield myself by thinking critical thoughts about all of these people whom I’d never met before. There was an underlying assumption that unknown people were frightening, which I wasn’t even aware of at the time.
What my very patient teacher taught me to do was “Find one thing to like about this person.” This precious lesson, more than anything else I have learned over the years, helped me find the good in people. Helped me learn to look for the kindness in people, and approach them with a more positive attitude.
When someone walks up to you, you can kind of feel what they’re thinking, right? It’s in the expression on their face, it’s in their body language. Of course, if you’re very confident, you might not worry about those things. However, if you’re a little nervous and you are paying attention to the person walking up to you, if they have a scowl on their face, or maybe they look frightened, you might feel a little scared, right? In any case, having them walk up to you wouldn’t give you a warm, furry feeling inside. This would not look like someone you might want to run up and give a hug to.
“Find one thing to like about this person. The one standing there, Facing you.” Well, they have nice glasses. And I like the cut of their hair.
“Find one thing to like about that person. The one standing near the bus stop.” They have a friendly face. Oh, and look. He just let that older woman go in front of him in line, so she can get on the bus first. She looks like her feet might be hurting. That was a kind thing to do.
I noticed, after a while, that my “one thing to like” moved from noticing their clothing, the color of their eyes, and their hairstyle to noticing when they did something kind or something that seemed thoughtful. Or if they just seemed like a good person, for whatever reason – based on the kind look on their face, or a thoughtful gesture they made to someone. In other words, I began to look more closely. I began to see people’s inner qualities, as well as their outer characteristics. It took me a while, but gradually it became more authentic. When I saw someone new, I would automatically scan for something good about the person. After about a year of this practice, it became ordinary to me.
Imagine, in your mind, the feeling of someone walking towards you. Someone who is shy and doesn’t feel safe, someone who looks a little nervous all the time. Or perhaps someone who is judging how you look, who has a sharp or critical look on their face. Someone who may be thinking unkind thoughts about you, even though they don’t know you. Or maybe someone who is frightened of everything around them, and they are trying to decide if you’re safe to approach or not. How would it feel to have them walk towards you?
Now shift to a different perspective. What if the person walking up to you is noticing something they like about you? It could be something small – you have a cool button on your shirt collar, or a neat hat that makes your face look friendly. It could be that they like your eyes, or how well the color of your shirt looks against your skin. Imagine the difference in the feeling of someone walking towards you who has seen something that they like about you, and is focusing on that?
As I shifted my perspective and began to look for something to like in people, I began to notice that people seemed friendlier. In a similar way, I began to sense that the world seemed a little less scary. I began to see more of the good in people, and found fewer things to be frightened of. I wasn’t trying to look at the world through rose-colored glasses. I was shifting my perspective from frightened to friendly. And in that mysterious way that things happen, the world around me changed as my perspective changed. When I talked to people, I began to look for the good in them. I began to purposefully look for kindness. Where before I was often frightened of people, and felt very shy when I had to talk to people, now I felt calmer. I was able to walk up to people I didn’t know with a greater sense of comfort.
All of this served to change my experience of the world around me. And apparently, it changed other people’s experience of me, because I found it much more easy to engage with people I hadn’t met before. People were more open and friendly towards me. Whereas before it had been difficult for me to ask a stranger a question, I now I frequently find myself involved in conversation with someone that I’d only met a few minutes earlier. Talking to the clerk at the checkout stand went from nerve-wracking torture to something that was easy and ordinary. The funny thing is, it literally took several years to make this change. Now it seems natural to me, to think of other people as friendly. I’m a little bit in awe of the amount of change that this one, simple lesson started for me: Find something to like about this person.
Hardwired for Connection 
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